You guys want to hear them, so I deliver.

OK, so I’m standing at the B22 gate trying to see if the gate agent is ready to hook me up with a boarding pass (since the flight was only checked in at 80% full and I was number 1 on the list). As she is processing tickets BY HAND mind you, this lady that obviously has some physical medical issues walks up behind me and loudly says “Excuse ME!” Here’s how the conversation goes.

Gate Agent (GA): Yes?

Stocky Lady (SL): I can’t stand up for a long time, should I board now?

GA: …. ?????

SL: My feet hurt if I stand too long.

GA: uhh, sure. Just get in line.

Random Guy At The Front Of The Line (RGATFOTL): Just go in front of me.

SL: OK

At this point, I’m cracking up because of the priceless reaction from the gate agent. If our thoughts were communicated across scrolling LED screens on our heads, it would have read, “What the F?”

So after everyone is on, she hooks me up with an exit row seat. We’re on an Embraer 145 (for you non-fliers, that’s the smallest American Eagle Jet (shout out to Captain Ron!), and has the 1 by 2 rows. I get to my seat, and it’s on the B side, and no one is in the C seat. Rock on! Hells yeah I’ll operate that emergency exit in the case of an emergency! With no flunkie to show how to operate the door because he was unprepared, I’ll throw that door out and start getting people out the door.

When you get in this situation, you study EVERY person carefully coming down the aisle. You think, “Aww, you better NOT be coming to sit next to me.” Well, unless you get lucky and draw the hot chick neighbor card in the seatmate lottery (hey James, can I get a Woop Woop?). So everyone’s on board, and the seat is still empty!

I win!

Or so I thought.

So SL calls the flight attendant over and starts (loudly) talking about how small the seats are, and she needs a seat on the 2 seat side so she can spread out. She spent $600 to get on this flight so she could be in Atlanta this afternoon. Here’s how this abbreviated conversation goes.

SL: Can you get me a seat on the 2 side?

Flight Attendant (FA): I don’t know, but I’ll have to check with the gate agent. Should I just get you the seatbelt extender instead?

SL: Well I’ll probably need that. But I’m in pain when I sit in these seats.

FA: Well, that’s definitely an issue, we don’t want you to be in pain.

SL: If I sit too long part of my leg goes numb.

FA: I’ll go check with the gate agent and see. BRB! (no he didn’t scream BRB, but he should have.)

(Intermission, time to go get a soda and a snack!) And he returns.

FA: I’m sorry, we don’t have another seat, but I think you should come with me because it is not safe for you on this aircraft. We need to put you on another flight.

SL: OH no, I’ll be OK. I’ll just sit in here and my leg will be a little numb. I can still feel it sorta.

FA: Are you sure, we are concerned that we have a safety issue here.

SL: (Then she goes into a 2 minute diatribe about the $600 to be in Atlanta)

FA: OK, well, here’s your seatbelt extender.

Then about 2-3 minutes goes by, and she calls the FA back. Keep in mind, I’m sitting 2 rows ahead of her, opposite side of the plane. She starts talking to the FA in a low tone, and I start to get a little worried. I turn around, and she’s got this wild look in here eyes, like she is lusting after my exit row love seat. I get a little creeped out, and turn back forward.

Not 20 seconds later, Mr. FA man comes and says, I’m terribly sorry to ask this, but SL is interested to know if you would switch seats with her so she can be more comfortable. I look up at him and say “Are you sure she can open this exit in the case of an emergency? I’m not sure someone who can’t stand up without being in pain, or sit without parts of her body going numb is capable?”

He says, “Well I asked her (I don’t think he did, because he asked her as I was sitting down in my new seat) and she said yes, and I’m not really at liberty to tell her she cannot sit there because she can’t operate the exit.”

Well, being the nice guy that I am, I switch seats. She does not thank me, though the Flight Attendant did profusely. Thankfully, I’m used to riding in these aircraft with all my regional travel, so I’m making do just fine. Here’s to hoping I get into First on standby back to Dallas!

I’m typing this on the plane looking 2 rows up and to the right thinking “Man, I REALLY hope we get this magical flying thing down without having to use the emergency exit. If we are reliant on the numb stocky lady, we’re doomed.”